The Roswell crash experts are all wrong. It wasn’t a weather balloon as the government claims. It wasn’t little green men either. The pilots that crashed in the remote New Mexico desert in July 1947 were four teddy bears. Or more precisely, they were four aliens that look like teddy bears.
Nonsense, you say? Well consider the proof contained within the pages of this whimsical sci-fi spoof ripped from the headlines in the supermarket tabloids. This story pokes fun at just about every alien conspiracy theory ever foisted upon human beings.
This work has been described as “Winnie the Pooh meets the X-Files.” It documents a terrifying, compelling saga of a war raging for more than half a century right here on Earth between two alien races.
The Orisha come from a planet orbiting the constellation Ursa Major, a.k.a. the Great Bear (where else?). They look like 18-inch teddy bears and freeze stiff into a state of suspended hibernation when humans approach. Therefore, that teddy bear on the shelf in your house could actually be one of the Orishans. The Orishans are beary loving beings. They don’t even have weapons that can kill. They carry Attitude-Adjuster-Sleeper-Blasters that put the enemy to sleep. The enemy wakes up the next day with a much nicer attitude.
The Arjogun, by contrast to the Orisha, are just the opposite. They are what humans refer to as the “alien grays,” and favor logic over emotion. However, they have plenty of emotions, especially hatred for the Orisha. The Arjogun have been trying to destroy the planet Orisha for centuries, but can’t get past a barrier of powerful love the Orishan Wizards have placed around their home planet. Earth, on the other hand, has no such protection. The Arjogun are afraid of the humans, fearing their nuclear weapons will be used on alien races once the humans figure out how to travel across the vastness of outer space. The Arjogun decide to perform a pre-emptive strike on Earth: make a deal with the humans by trading weather control technology before the humans destroy the Arjogun.
In “The Teddy Bear Conspiracies,” four Orishans crash on Earth near Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947. The ship contains a “Hug” of Orishans, or squad, led by Captain Schaumburg Harmony. Schaumburg is the only member of the Orishan High Command Space Fleet who has not earned his License To Hug, a coveted honor denoting that the operative has the right to infiltrate other societies and spy for the Orishan High Command. On his last mission, Schaumburg ordered his crew to save the life of an Arjogun agent. That order resulted in Schaumburg failing to carry out his assigned mission, therefore he did not earn the License To Hug.
Schaumburg’s crew includes his wife, Millennium “Leni” Harmony, a powerful Wizard in the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw. Leni has recently completed her studies in Wizardry and has not yet earned her Wizard’s wand.
Next is Schaumburg’s second-in-command, Commander Louis LaHug, a feisty Orishan who wears a pirate hook on one paw “just to look cool.” Louis is also the “procurement officer” for Schaumburg’s Hug. In other words, he steals needed stuff while the Hug is in the field.
The final crewmember is the ship’s counselor and medical officer, Chocolate Harmony. Chocolate traveled to Earth with her big brother Schaumburg on her first deep-space mission for the Orishan High Command. She is the most empathetic of the four Orishans, which helps her in her medical profession.
The Orishan High Command ruled that Schaumburg acted correctly on his last mission, but still withheld his License To Hug. A rival in the Orishan Command, Frank Vil, never lets Schaumburg forget he lacks his License To Hug. Vil is also off on a mission to Earth, arriving in the summer of 1947.
All Orishan Hugs contain four operatives and are issued two portable weapons, both defensive. The first are a set of two A.A.S.B.s (the blasters) and the second is a small computer unit, sort of like a palm pilot. Only this computer is shaped like a three-inch white rabbit and is usually banded to the Commander’s paw. The unit, called a Hand Activated Radix (computer core) with Variable Electronic Yashmac (veil for invisibility) is a very powerful machine that not only renders beings and machinery invisible, but can also store vast amounts of data. The H.A.R.V.E.Y. unit uses a form of phase-shifting to render beings and spaceships invisible. This phase-shifting technology is also used by the Orisha to live among beings on planets they visit, but to exist in a sort of parallel universe when they need to communicate unseen.
The Orishans liked the Earth so much; they founded a large community on the planet, phase-shifted so Earthlings cannot see it. The Orishan city, known as Pawtropolis, contains about 100,000 Orishans. The Orishans there live and work in their own society completely separate from the humans. In this way, Orishans can live peacefully on other planets without interacting with the native population or interfering with the native civilizations. Most Orishans know little about human society. It is only the operatives who work for the Orishan High Command that infiltrate human society. These operatives on Earth work under the Better Bear Bureau, headquartered in Pawtropolis.
One element in Orishan Society which is beary different from that on the Earth is the famous Bearavator, or Bear Area Rapid Transit system. It is similar to an elevator in human skyscrapers, only the Bearavator can go sideways and zigzag in buildings as well. The inventor of the Bearavator, Bartholomew, visited the Earth many years before Schaumburg, arriving in the mid-1700s. He befriended a human named George Washington and gave him a nine-inch long sword known to the Orishans as the Sword of George Washington. It is rumored that Bartholomew influenced Washington and the founders of America, but that is just legend among the Orishans. Bartholomew has a checkered history with the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw, at first being an adherent to the Order’s laws, then breaking away from them.
Most Orishans hold Bartholomew in awe, but many do not know the exact history of Bartholomew and George Washington, or even what caused Bartholomew to break off his contact with the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw.
Also in Orishan legend, there are stories of Orishans and Earthlings being allies thousands of years ago. At that time, grizzly bears on Earth stood upright like men and had the power of speech. Legends tell of the grizzlies losing the power of speech and reverting to wild animals.
The Orishans on Earth that are agents for the Orishan High Command are assigned missions to figure out what the Arjogun are doing on Earth. These agents are assigned to the Hugs, and usually make contact with at least one human to help them carry out their assignments on Earth.
The Orishans travel between the human world and the Orishan city of Pawtropolis via the Teddy Bear Zone. Orishan technology turns every bed on Earth into a portal that instantly transports the Orishans from the human world to the Orishan city. Special portals in Pawtropolis take them back to strategic points back in the human world, or the portal can be adjusted for a specific bed, like that in the home of their human contact.
A Human Friend
After Schaumburg’s Hug crashes in New Mexico, Leni uses her magic to whisk them away from the humans at the Roswell Army Base. What the Orishans don’t know is that Leni’s magic somehow transported the Orishans in both time and space, from July 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico to November 1999 in Streator, Illinois.
The Hug finds themselves in the apartment of a nerdy journalist, Samuel Arctophile. It turns out that Sam is the perfect human for Schaumburg’s Hug as he is beary lonely, working as the Versailles Bureau Chief for The Daily Press published in nearby Montreal, Illinois. The Bureau is a one-man operation, save for a circulation manager who works in the afternoons. Sam finds his solitary post in Versailles very lonely at times. Meeting the Orishans changes all that.
He brings the Orishans into his human world, bringing Schaumburg to his office in Versailles often. The Orishans freeze into a state of suspended hibernation whenever another human enters the lonely office, so the general public just thinks Schaumburg is Sam’s teddy bear.
The Beautiful Widow
Sam, in his mid-30s, is still single, and falls head over heels for a beautiful widow named Cheryl Cruz who runs the George Washington Museum in Versailles. The people of the town of Versailles, population about 5,000 humans, decided to open the museum because of legends telling of George Washington camping in Versailles during the French and Indian War prior to the American Revolutionary War.
Cheryl Cruz is a George Washington Scholar who has just taken the job as curator of the Versailles Museum. She too is lonely, but Cheryl does not believe she is really a widow. She tells Sam when they first meet that her husband, Armando, is an FBI agent, and that the government abducted Armando because he learned too much about the government’s involvement with the Arjogun. Cheryl explains to Sam that just before Armando “died” in a mysterious plane crash he planned to go public with proof that the government is allowing the Arjogun to abduct human beings, implant mind-control devices on them, and perform other bizarre medical experiments. Armando has learned that the government made a pact with the Arjogun. In return for allowing the Arjogun to abduct human beings for medical experiments, the Arjogun will build a weather control device for the Americans.
Cheryl believes the government kidnapped Armando to shut him up.
Sam thinks Cheryl is an alien conspiracy theory nut ball.
When Schaumburg’s Hug starts to explore Sam’s apartment, they discover the Earth confection known as chocolate. When Schaumburg eats some, he finds out he has super strength, X-ray vision and can fly. The other Orishans, however, do not have these abilities when they eat chocolate. Schaumburg’s powers last just 20 minutes after consuming chocolate.
Schaumburg decides to use his powers just like another super alien we all know and love, helping those in need who live in the city of Pawtropolis. He also takes a job as a reporter for The Daily Times, the newspaper for Pawtroplis. While at The Daily Times, Schaumburg quickly befriends an Orishan named Andy, who the Orishans soon discover also has Schaumburg’s super powers when Andy eats chocolate.
Schaumburg calls himself the Paw and Andy dons the alias of Mardi Gras. Both are costumed super heroes and both save innocents.
But the heroes soon learn that there is a super bad guy in Pawtropolis, the Frown. The Frown tries to eliminate the Paw and his sidekick, Mardi Gras, at every opportunity.
A Change in Assignment
After making friends with Sam, Schaumburg tries to contact the Better Bear Bureau in Pawtropolis using his H.A.R.V.E.Y. unit. Schaumburg soon learns that the BBB has been moved from Pawtropolis to a secret compartment hidden at the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Mo.
He convinces Sam to take Leni and Schaumburg to St. Louis, and establishes contact with the BBB. He finds out lots of things have changed. For example, his rival, Frank Vil, is now director of the BBB, and his assignment to spy on the Arjogun has been changed to an assignment to spy on humans instead.
Schaumburg reveals to Vil that he has super powers. Vil orders Schaumburg not to use his newly discovered super powers. Vil also instructs Schaumburg to destroy his H.A.R.V.E.Y. unit, telling Schaumburg the technology is now obsolete.
Help From a Wizard
While Schaumburg and Leni are in St. Louis, a Wizard from the planet Bengali named Nerwonduh contacts Chocolate and Louis. The Wizard, who looks similar to a Bengal tiger, only he stands 18-inches tall, helps Chocolate and Louis. He gives them all clothing to blend in with citizens of Pawtropolis in 1999, and also instructs Louis and Chocolate to do two things: 1) Don’t trust anyone, especially those in control of the Orishans on Earth such as the BBB. 2) Never lose sight of the H.A.R.V.E.Y. unit, which can help Orishans detect enemy Arjogun agents.
In other words, Nerwonduh tells Louis and Chocolate to disobey the BBB and do the opposite of what Vil as ordered Schaumburg to do.
Even though the Wizard is helping Schaumburg, he and his fellow Orishans are not sure how to handle Nerwonduh’s instructions. It seems Orishans are, by nature, very trusting beings. They have trouble dealing with people who do not tell them the truth. To Sam, the Orishans seem more like naïve children in some ways.
Sam’s Human Friends
Sam has been a journalist for more than 10 years. He works alongside a high school chum and former sweetheart, Amy Sampson. Amy works in the main newspaper office in Montreal, Illinois. Amy, a beautiful blonde with short-bobbed hair who towers over most men at 6’2”, still carries a torch for Sam. Another friend of Sam’s, Fred Steinfeld, works as a researcher for the FBI in Chicago. All three, Sam, Amy and Fred, studied journalism together in high school and are very close friends.
Fred loves to dabble in the investigation of alien conspiracy theories just like Cheryl Cruz, and has heard of the Armando Cruz case.
Fred sends a report to Sam that Armando Cruz wrote just before he “died” in the plane crash outlining the secret pact between the American government and the Arjogun for the weather control technology.
Cheryl asks Sam to help her find Armando. Sam enlists the assistance of Fred. Because Fred provides documents about Armando Cruz, Fred suddenly lands in trouble with his bosses at the FBI. Fred soon finds himself on the run for his life.
Unlike Fred and Sam, Amy has a military background. Before working as a journalist like Sam, she enlisted in the U.S. Army prior to the Gulf War. She finished her tour of duty as a special forces operative under the command of a mysterious man known as Commander Black.
Black is one of Fred’s conspiracy theory sources, providing Fred and Sam with secret government documents to reveal to the world the Arjogun‘s plans.
Meanwhile, Amy starts to grow suspicious of Sam when he starts carrying around teddy bears. Amy wanted to marry Sam, but she rattled Sam with talk of marriage and children. Sam had no idea how to handle children, being an only child. The idea of being a father scared him to death. So he broke off a longtime relationship with Amy.
When Cheryl Cruz came into his life, Sam began to fall in love with the sultry Mexican-American. But Cheryl still believes she is married and wants no part of a romantic relationship with Sam.
The Paw soon learns that the Frown is secretly taking orders from a human known only as the Lemming. Eventually, the Paw learns that the Lemming is working with the Arjogun to build the weather control device for the Americans. The Lemming and the Arjogun see the Paw as one powerful enemy who can foil the plans to create the weather control device. The Lemming orders the Frown to kill the Paw.
Since humans are involved with the Arjogun, Schaumburg and his Hug of Orishans decide to enlist the aide of Sam to stop the Lemming.
Sanity in Question
When Sam begins carrying Schaumburg to work with him at the Versailles Bureau, to everyone else, it appears Sam is carrying around a teddy bear. That does not help Sam with his boss at the paper, Managing Editor Izzie Feinberg. Izzie detests teddy bears, mostly because Izzie’s father took his teddy bear away from him when Izzie was four-years-old. Izzie takes out his anger against his father on Sam, threatening to fire Sam if he doesn’t “lose the teddy bear.”
When Sam ignores his boss, Izzie has Sam committed to a mental hospital. Sam shows up for his mental exam with Schaumburg. Sam instructs Schaumburg to use the Teddy Bear Zone to transport away to safety.
The psychologist examining Sam, Dr. Daniels, starts to think Sam is really psychotic when Sam begins to spin a tale about aliens that look like teddy bears --- while under the influence of truth drugs.
Sam also frustrates Daniels because Sam showed up with a teddy bear and now the teddy bear is nowhere to be found. Daniels begins to believe Sam is a danger to himself and others and keeps Sam locked up in the mental institution.
Will Sam ever be able to escape from the mental institution and find true love with Cheryl? Will the Orishans find out what the Arjogun are really planning to do? Do they really have plans to hand over a weather control weapon to the Americans? Will Schaumburg ever earn his License To Hug? And who is the Lemming? More importantly, who is the Frown and will he succeed in his assignment to assassinate Schaumburg? Is Armando Cruz really still alive as Cheryl believes or is she deluding herself? Will Amy ever convince Sam that she is the right girl for him? Will Fred escape from the government agents out to kill him? And finally, who is the mysterious Commander Black who has been feeding information to both Sam and Fred? Find out the answers to these and many other burning questions in the pages of, “The Teddy Bear Conspiracies.” And remember, that teddy bear on your shelf may not be what you think he is.