The Roswell crash experts are all wrong. It wasn’t a weather balloon as the government claims. It wasn’t little green men either. The pilots that crashed in the remote New Mexico desert in July 1947 were four teddy bears. Or more precisely, they were four aliens that look like teddy bears.
Nonsense, you say? Well consider the proof contained within the pages of this whimsical sci-fi spoof ripped from the headlines in the supermarket tabloids. This story pokes fun at just about every alien conspiracy theory ever foisted upon human beings.
This work has been described as “Winnie the Pooh meets the X-Files.” It documents a terrifying, compelling saga of a war raging for more than half a century right here on Earth between two alien races.
The Orisha
The Orisha come from a planet orbiting the constellation Ursa Major, a.k.a. the Great Bear (where else?). They look like 18-inch teddy bears and freeze stiff into a state of suspended hibernation when humans approach. Therefore, that teddy bear on the shelf in your house could actually be one of the Orishans. The Orishans are beary loving beings. They don’t even have weapons that can kill. They carry Attitude-Adjuster-Sleeper-Blasters that put the enemy to sleep. The enemy wakes up the next day with a much nicer attitude.
The Arjogun
The Arjogun, by contrast to the Orisha, are just the opposite. They are what humans refer to as the “alien grays,” and favor logic over emotion. However, they have plenty of emotions, especially hatred for the Orisha. The Arjogun have been trying to destroy the planet Orisha for centuries, but can’t get past a barrier of powerful love the Orishan Wizards have placed around their home planet. Earth, on the other hand, has no such protection. The Arjogun are afraid of the humans, fearing their nuclear weapons will be used on alien races once the humans figure out how to travel across the vastness of outer space. The Arjogun decide to perform a pre-emptive strike on Earth: make a deal with the humans by trading weather control technology before the humans destroy the Arjogun.
The Crew
In “The Teddy Bear Conspiracies,” four Orishans crash on Earth near Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947. The ship contains a “Hug” of Orishans, or squad, led by Captain Schaumburg Harmony. Schaumburg is the only member of the Orishan High Command Space Fleet who has not earned his License To Hug, a coveted honor denoting that the operative has the right to infiltrate other societies and spy for the Orishan High Command. On his last mission, Schaumburg ordered his crew to save the life of an Arjogun agent. That order resulted in Schaumburg failing to carry out his assigned mission, therefore he did not earn the License To Hug.
Schaumburg’s crew includes his wife, Millennium “Leni” Harmony, a powerful Wizard in the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw. Leni has recently completed her studies in Wizardry and has not yet earned her Wizard’s wand.
Next is Schaumburg’s second-in-command, Commander Louis LaHug, a feisty Orishan who wears a pirate hook on one paw “just to look cool.” Louis is also the “procurement officer” for Schaumburg’s Hug. In other words, he steals needed stuff while the Hug is in the field.
The final crewmember is the ship’s counselor and medical officer, Chocolate Harmony. Chocolate traveled to Earth with her big brother Schaumburg on her first deep-space mission for the Orishan High Command. She is the most empathetic of the four Orishans, which helps her in her medical profession.
Orishan Society
The Orishan High Command ruled that Schaumburg acted correctly on his last mission, but still withheld his License To Hug. A rival in the Orishan Command, Frank Vil, never lets Schaumburg forget he lacks his License To Hug. Vil is also off on a mission to Earth, arriving in the summer of 1947.
All Orishan Hugs contain four operatives and are issued two portable weapons, both defensive. The first are a set of two A.A.S.B.s (the blasters) and the second is a small computer unit, sort of like a palm pilot. Only this computer is shaped like a three-inch white rabbit and is usually banded to the Commander’s paw. The unit, called a Hand Activated Radix (computer core) with Variable Electronic Yashmac (veil for invisibility) is a very powerful machine that not only renders beings and machinery invisible, but can also store vast amounts of data. The H.A.R.V.E.Y. unit uses a form of phase-shifting to render beings and spaceships invisible. This phase-shifting technology is also used by the Orisha to live among beings on planets they visit, but to exist in a sort of parallel universe when they need to communicate unseen.
The Orishans liked the Earth so much; they founded a large community on the planet, phase-shifted so Earthlings cannot see it. The Orishan city, known as Pawtropolis, contains about 100,000 Orishans. The Orishans there live and work in their own society completely separate from the humans. In this way, Orishans can live peacefully on other planets without interacting with the native population or interfering with the native civilizations. Most Orishans know little about human society. It is only the operatives who work for the Orishan High Command that infiltrate human society. These operatives on Earth work under the Better Bear Bureau, headquartered in Pawtropolis.
One element in Orishan Society which is beary different from that on the Earth is the famous Bearavator, or Bear Area Rapid Transit system. It is similar to an elevator in human skyscrapers, only the Bearavator can go sideways and zigzag in buildings as well. The inventor of the Bearavator, Bartholomew, visited the Earth many years before Schaumburg, arriving in the mid-1700s. He befriended a human named George Washington and gave him a nine-inch long sword known to the Orishans as the Sword of George Washington. It is rumored that Bartholomew influenced Washington and the founders of America, but that is just legend among the Orishans. Bartholomew has a checkered history with the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw, at first being an adherent to the Order’s laws, then breaking away from them.
Most Orishans hold Bartholomew in awe, but many do not know the exact history of Bartholomew and George Washington, or even what caused Bartholomew to break off his contact with the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw.
Also in Orishan legend, there are stories of Orishans and Earthlings being allies thousands of years ago. At that time, grizzly bears on Earth stood upright like men and had the power of speech. Legends tell of the grizzlies losing the power of speech and reverting to wild animals.
The Orishans on Earth that are agents for the Orishan High Command are assigned missions to figure out what the Arjogun are doing on Earth. These agents are assigned to the Hugs, and usually make contact with at least one human to help them carry out their assignments on Earth.
The Orishans travel between the human world and the Orishan city of Pawtropolis via the Teddy Bear Zone. Orishan technology turns every bed on Earth into a portal that instantly transports the Orishans from the human world to the Orishan city. Special portals in Pawtropolis take them back to strategic points back in the human world, or the portal can be adjusted for a specific bed, like that in the home of their human contact.
A Human Friend
After Schaumburg’s Hug crashes in New Mexico, Leni uses her magic to whisk them away from the humans at the Roswell Army Base. What the Orishans don’t know is that Leni’s magic somehow transported the Orishans in both time and space, from July 1947 in Roswell, New Mexico to November 1999 in Streator, Illinois.
The Hug finds themselves in the apartment of a ne